Tag Archives: comebacks

Thank Goodness We’re Spared From Family Reunions

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‘Tis the season for reunions and maximum tolerance. 😉

I love my immediate family, and that includes the lovable little monsters−  my nephews and niece. But if there is something I am eternally thankful for, we grew up not having close family ties and that entails no dreaded family reunions. So trust us not to be acquainted with our distant relatives because we are not fans of reunions. I would be so confused at how I became second, third, fourth cousins with Kuya A or Ate B and when they try to explain it to me, they ended up adding to my confusion and I will look so embarrassingly lost.

There was even a relative that I regarded as a cousin for as long as I can remember only to find out she’s my granddaughter. Imagine my horror! I’m like, how the hell did that happen? 😀

But the horror does not lie in being reunited with relatives. Seeing them would have probably been awesome if not for those questions that make you mentally berate yourself for even bothering to go.

So I sincerely hope you will not come this close to actually saying these out loud. 😉

Ilang taon ka na nga?

  • Taon-taon naman po tayo nagkikita, just add one year please. That’s not so hard, di ba?
  • Trenta po. At sampung taon na po akong nagsisi kung bakit pa din ako pumupunta sa reunion na ‘to.

Ano?! Single ka pa din? (and the next statement usually goes, “Aba’y di ka na bumabata.”)

  • Ano? Wala pa din kayong manners?!
  • So it’s a requirement now? Sensha na po, di lang ako aware.
  • Kunin ang videoke microphone at sabihing: “Sa mga interesado pong malaman at para isang sabihan na lang…. Opo, single ako. Kung may tanong kayo, punta po kayo sa presscon sa sala  pagkatapos niyong lapastanganin ang lechon.”

O, eh bakit wala ka pang asawa? 

  • Babae / Lalake din po gusto ko. And when they recovered from the  shock, “Joke lang. Bisexual po ako.”
  • Kung magaasawa po ba ako eh, maaahon sa pagkakautang ang Pilipinas? Di na ba kakailanganin ng mga kababayan natin na mangibang bansa?
  • Kulang pa po ung ipon ko pambili ng papatol sa’ken eh.
  • Actually kaya po ako pumupunta ng reunion para ipamukha niyo sa’kin yan. Thank you po ah!

Kailan ka ba ikakasal?

  • Don’t worry, you’ll know. On Facebook.
  • Pag legal na po ang same sex marriage.
  • Kailan po ba kayo pwede?… hindi pumunta?

Ilang taon na kayong kasal, bakit wala pa kayong anak?

  • Ewan ko po ba. Eh araw-araw, gabi-gabi ginagawa na nga namin. Iba’t-ibang posisyon na din nga. Pati nga sa opisina, pinupuntahan ko pa siya para lang gawin namin yun….. Atsaka…. (The trick here is to make them as awkward as possible 😉 )
  • Sorry pero may deadline pala?
  • So pinadala kayo ng NSO dito para mag-survey?

It’s like there’s no winning. If you’re single, they’ll pester you with your status and look at you with pity that it feels like they’re throwing you into the arms of any single man they’ll see on the street. As though marriage is the key to nirvana. And if you’re married and with no kid, they’ll insensitively ask you why you’re childless.

It’s a different ballgame too if you’re balikbayan; your clueless relatives think you’re pooping money wherever it is you’re working and you’re expected to treat them to expensive restos. Bad enough that they brought their entire family, they bring with them the cousin of their kids, househelp and all those other relatives who you don’t have an iota of an idea whether you’re relatives by consanguinity or affinity.

Then there are those relatives who just mean well and are actually concerned. So practice maximum tolerance whenever you can. I’m just glad we don’t have to bear with these occasions. 😉

Here’s to hoping you won’t have to resort to these comebacks. Cheers!

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Bitchy Comebacks #2

This post is inspired by our co-passengers onboard the van bound to Busuanga Airport. Obviously, these are Manileñas too, who happen to be so annoying that even the nicest in our group was peeved at them.

The seat can accommodate four people and I was already squeezed by the window as well as my friend and this girl goes:

Annoying girl: Miss, pwedeng umurong?

Me (tempted to say): Miss, pwedeng mag-diet kayo ng friend mo?

Dalawa lang kayo sa jeep at pareho pa kayong nasa dulo, sabay magsasabi ng, “Pwedeng pakiabot?”

Suggestion #1: Pwede. Pero ayoko.

Suggestion #2: Kung ikaw nga di mo abot… ako pa?!

Suggestion #3: Pwedeng bili ka muna ng common sense atsaka ka sumakay ulit?

Puno naman ang jeep, pero ang mga tao dedma lang; lahat sila bingi, bulag at walang kamay na iabot ung pamasahe mo kay Manong Driver:

Suggestion #1: Manong, ayaw nila abot pamasahe ko eh. Pakisingil na lang sila ha… thanks!

Suggestion #2: Tara, Manong laro tayo…. saluan-pamasahe!

A little side story. This happened years ago (when I’m still more maldita *wink*) as I was queuing at the grocery and this girl before me left her empty basket on top of the counter. I unceremoniously picked it up and dropped it with a thud and she had the audacity to mutter under her breath, “Ang sungit naman.”

Me: (I smiled at her before saying) Ay hindi naman. Sa’yo lang. 

May pag-asa ba ko sa’yo o wala?

Suggestion #1: Ang mas magandang tanong… nanligaw ka ba?

Suggestion #2: Uyyy, sorry. Nagka-amnesia ka ba recently? Nasagot ko na yan ah?!!!

Ay loser! Mag-isa lang mag-lunch!

Kesa naman makasabay kita di ba!

If someone tells you, “Kung makaasta parang maganda!”

Suggestion #1: Hindi naman sa ganun. But compared to you, oo naman!

Suggestion #2: Hindi ko sinasabing maganda ako. Ang sinasabi ko lang, pangit ka. 

If someone tells you, “Ba’t ka nagmamaganda?”

Eh ba’t nagmamapanget ka?

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The B!@+cH and the The Barbs

image via Crabby Road

I am not my (sometimes) horrible self but I might as well take off some of  the sarcasm from my system before it explodes into mammoth proportions.

These two happened recently in an exchange with my friends.

  • So one of my guy friends made paramdam; he messaged me and our exchange went something like:

guy: nagpaparamdam lang… musta ka na?

me: (after saying something like I don’t have access to Facebook anymore in the office then said…) ok lang naman. ikaw?

guy: ok lang din

me: buti naman ok tayong dalawa!

Jeeeezzz! I really hope we can talk about something more substantial (even flirty would be welcomed you know!) next time.I’m sure we can do much better than that. hahaha

  • Then one friend commented on one of my profile pics in FB: “Bat kami cropped sa picture?”

Baket? Page niyo toh? 

I have a  feeling that this friend actually enjoys these barbs. Well, we’re still friends until now! hahahaha

And these are lines that I really hope will just be “theoretical” and I will not find the opportunity to use any of them on those bad days when my evil twin sister surfaces:

  • When someone says, “…but I did my best..”:

Ah ganon?! Best mo ‘toh? Such low standards to live by. Really.

  • Not everyone will like you, so if one doesn’t like me:

Di ako ipinanganak para i-please kayong lahat.

(Say this with a pat on the shoulder and a sweet smile) Dear, thank you for sparing me the trouble of being nice to you.

Ah ganon? Ok lang. Should I be bothered that you don’t?

Ok, so is this the part where I bawl out and cry? Sorrehh! Not gonna happen!

Di mo ko gusto? Sayang… dami ko pa namang gustong gawin sa’yo (then in his mind he’s saying: Kung ikaw lang gagawa niyan sa’kin, wag na…. me: ah leche! choosy! di ka naman kagandahang lalake… 😛)

Sa totoo lang, you come across as someone smart… I’m sure, madali kang matuto…. na mahalin ako. <<<LOL!>>>

How this post ended up with cheesy pinoy pickup lines… I’m not really sure.

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Of Saving Face When You’re Found Out

I’m having crazy thoughts again in my head and thought to let loose some of the craziness from my bloodstream. And it’s probably because the workweek is about to begin in less than an hour as I’m writing this (obviously, I slept through this post).

Darn! I just got found out! Now what to do?

The dreaded confrontation statement, “Sa tingin ko, may gusto ka sa’kin (I think you like me)”, would leave a girl frozen in sheer embarrassment  if she ever was found out by the guy she’s crushing on. What if someone actually said this to my face? (Dear Lord, wag naman po! Papakabait na talaga ako. Promise!)

I’m wondering if any of these sarcastic retort or funny comeback will help anyone save face in that paralyzing, swallow-me-whole moment.

The Denial

You have to do this with much conviction to be believable. There is no time to buckle on your speech as this will ruin the whole thing. 😉

  • Excuse me, pero may salamin ba sa bahay niyo?
  • Maybe you should start drinking coffee you know! Para naman nerbiyusin ka sa mga pinagiisip mo. *sabay taas ng kilay*
  • Lakas tama ka din eh noh!
  • Sa tingin ko, ilusyanado ka.
  • At ano naman aber ang basehan mo diyan sa pantasya mong yan?
  • And you arrived at that conclusion because…..?????
  • Ako ba? Eh bakit parang ikaw yung kinikilig?
  • Now that you’ve successfully convinced yourself about that idea, maybe you should start convincing ME to like you.

The Confirmation

Well, since you’ve already been found out, you might as well own up to it, right? If you’re the spunky/funny kind, I think your humor will help you live through this rather embarrassing scenario.

  • Para sa isang taong matalino…. medyo slow ka din no?
  • For someone smart, you’re actually pretty dense. *eyebrows raised*
  • Meron nga… pwede na kita i-kiss?
  • I do. Now will that give me license to kiss you?
  • Eto naman tanong ko sa’yo. Nakakamanhid ba ang pagiging gwapo?
  • Tingin lang? Pag ganyan ba, manhid ka?
  • Weh noh naman ngayon kung meron? Bawal?
  • Oo na! Meron na! Now please stop looking at me kasi hindi ako makapagisip ng maayos.
  • Ganito na lang. Gabi na pero amoy araw ka… at infernes, keri ko lang. Tapos tanong ka pa diyan. LOL!!!

Verifying the Obvious

Nuff said. Just read on. @____@

  • Ummmm, maganda siguro if you’ll take your lips off mine so I can reply. Whatcha think?
  • Hello! Nagpahalik na nga sa’yo di ba! Aysus!
  • Naman! Tanong ka pa diyan eh, kung saan na nakaabot kamay mo. (LOL!!!)

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Bitchy Comebacks

I’m having some bouts of nastiness again (last night, actually) and as my sister would say it, “I’m just being horrid”.

So while I’m at it, I might as well put it to good use and share some useful comebacks when you encounter these etiquette-challenged individuals. 😉

I bet this will be a growing list.

When a guy starts to get fresh on you:

Naligo ka ba? (hopefully he answers ‘Yes’ or ‘Oo’)… Mukha nga. PRESKO mo eh!

When an annoying person tells you, “Lam mo, tumataba ka!”:

Suggestion #1: Lam mo ikaw, pumapanget ka!

Suggestion #2: Di bale, diyeta lang kailangan ko. Ikaw siyensya.

Bakit di ka pa nagaasawa?

Di pa siya annulled sa’yo eh.

Bakit wala ka pang boyfriend?

Bakit split na kayo?

Sa mga umuupo sa dulo ng jeep sabay ipaabot ung pamasahe sa’yo kahit malayo ka din sa driver:

No words necessary… Isang tingin. Taas ng kilay. Sabay dedma.

Sa mga babaeng sumasakay ng jeep at nililipad ung buhok papunta sa mukha mo:

Suggestion #1: Miss, last time I checked, di ako kumakain ng buhok. Pakihawakan mo lang yang buhok mo.

Suggestion #2: (I actually did this out of sheer annoyance)… I tugged her hair ever so lightly (then she looked at me)… then I said to her, “Ay sorry, kala ko kasi hair ko eh.”

When a store cashier tells you, “Ma’am wala po akong panukli eh.”

And that is supposed to be my problem?

When an obviously reed thin person tells you, “Grabe, ang taba taba ko na talaga!”

Ay oo nga! Naku dear… you really need to go on a diet. You are sooooooo huge!

When someone who just won’t let you put one over him/her; as in hindi magpapatalo on just about anything:

Ahhhh! Wala ka sa lolo ko!  **works like gem everytime…. well to those who aren’t so dense to realize that you’re being sarcastic already.**

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